Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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