I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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