I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
