just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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