so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
