Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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