there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
