Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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