Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
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