Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
