I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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