Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
