Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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