happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
