he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
