it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
