Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize