you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
