who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
wow bdsm is so cute
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
