If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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