Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
