It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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