I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
