I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
