We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
