Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
