I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I want to stick my p in your. b.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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