I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
