Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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