Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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