mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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