I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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