You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
