My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
