woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
