We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
