I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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