Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
