my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
