just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
