Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You need Xanax blowdarts
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
