I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Randomize
