if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We got so high we made milksteak
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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