Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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