omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
