if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i think i have herpe
just one?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
