yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
