well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
