I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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