I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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