my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
