did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
