I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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