I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
