i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
