I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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