If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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