Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
