Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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