we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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