my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
