Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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